Thinking

Guys. Sometimes I just sit and think. Think about how I have no original thought left in me. At all. And how that's pretty sad for a 24-year-old. Didn't the quote that Prof. Lee showed today say something about how if you don't read very much, or don't read good things, then your brain is probably rotting out of your head and you're probably devoid of anything good or wholesome or worthwhile? Wasn't it something like that? Well if so, then I am definitely failing. The only clever things I think of are gleaned from a certain television show, which I now have probably 74% memorized. I should probably be making my way through the classics, Les Mis in French, anything.

Right now I'm also thinking about how it's 2 in the morning and how I was supposed to have been working on this article that has suddenly become like the most important thing in my life right now, except obviously not as important as blog stalking people who I don't know and reliving trips to exotic places. But still, I wish that I wouldn't have wasted these past two hours doing nothing instead of working on this article. I really want it to be good, but we'll see how it goes.

Lately I've been thinking, not good enough. Just in general. And then I think, there's always going to be someone who's better than me; smarter than me; prettier than me; skinnier than me; funnier than me; nicer than me; more successful than me; richer than me; younger than me; married; more responsible than me; more spiritual than me; more charitable than me; more crafty than me; more creative than me; more popular than me; more talented than me; more anything than anything I could possibly ever be. And do you know what? There's probably somebody, lots of people even, who's all of those things more than me. But I'm trying to be okay with that, and just think, I'm trying. Even though sometimes I'm not.

I'm applying for this internship. I frankly don't think that I'll get it, but it's one of those things that presses on my mind that I know I'll never be able to échappe until I do something about it. Hence the article. And the staying up until all hours of the night looking up all the current interns on Facebook and trying to check out their credentials. That's going to help me, right? Anyway, so I'm applying for this internship, that I know I'm not going to get. Really, the only reassurance I have is that I'll never have to look in the face the people who are going to read my writing samples. (Except that I will. They won't recognize me, though, so it's okay.)

And then I think, why am I never good enough. Why do I always think that. And why is it mostly true. And then this: "fear ye not the reproach of men, neither be ye afraid of their revilings." And I think, okay. I can do this. No. No I can't. And then this: "And forgettest thou the Lord thy maker, that hath stretched forth the heavens, and laid the foundations of the earth . . . ?" And so I think, okay. I can do this. Look who made me. And I guess if He says I can, then I can. But maybe I can't. And maybe I think too much, AND NOT ENOUGH. Definitely not enough.

I'm going to bed now, because when it's this late and I'm this tired, the only thing I can think of is my bowl of cereal in the morning and how amazing it is and how I'm not really sure that the soy milk is different from the 1% but it makes me feel like a hippy when I buy it so I guess I'll keep doing it.