On being broken

"I am the Lord that healeth thee"

 -Exodus 15:26

Have you ever just felt broken? Like life gave you one too many surprise punches in the face (or crow bars to the knee, or whatever), and you just couldn't do anything about it? I've been thinking about this topic these past couple of months, of being broken. Of feeling so hopeless and so completely shattered that you have nothing left to do but start picking up the pieces of your shattered self and finding any way to put them back together again. You know, rereading that, it sounds pretty dramatic, especially for what it physically equates to:  lying in bed. Doing nothing. Not even being able to remember what it felt like to be whole. 

For me, this brokenness came last year in the form of a very real and very sudden heartbreak, and the very real, almost tangible loss, for the second time in my life, of the hopes and dreams of a lifetime. I'm fairly certain that this brokenness is also what sent my immune system into a tailspin, resulting in the worst sickness of my life, just adding to my brokenness. I remember moments  where the only thing I could do was repeat over and over, "I can't. I just can't." Can't what? I'm still not sure. 

Tangent. I remember toward the end of my mission, I was getting sick all. the. time. and I also kept having these really strange health-related things happen to me, like that one time that a piece of bug or plant (the doctor couldn't definitively say) got suctioned to my eyeball. Yeah. That happened. The sisters who had been out for as long as me were experiencing similar phenomena, and we decided that we were just falling apart. We were worn out and worse for the wear. We said that by the time you had at least two things seriously wrong with you, it was time to go home. Missions are pretty good at breaking you, maybe not in the same way as a heartbreak, but breaking you nonetheless. 

So, clearly there are different levels of brokenness. Different levels of being left to wonder how to go on. Sometimes this brokenness is caused by others, or by exhaustion, or by sin. Whatever the case may be, I think we all find ourselves at one time or another facing this brokenness.

So what, I implore, is the point of this brokenness? Yes, it is just a natural byproduct of mortality, I understand that, but I am also a firm believer in the fact that to every thing there is a purpose. A few weeks ago my little cousin posted something on her Facebook that made me reflect even more upon the why of being broken. She said, talking about last year, that it was "a year that has completely broken me down and therefore allowed me to rebuild myself into the person I've always supposed to be." Wa-bam. That's getting down to the heart of the matter. I definitely think that you have to be broken before you can change, and sometimes more of a break is needed for a bigger change. Like when you break a bone and it has to be reset (and sometimes re-broken, right?) before it can begin to heal properly. Same concept here. (Almost.) 

You may or may not know of my affinity for Christian rock. No? Well, yes. I love it. And this has been one of my very favorite songs lately. It's called "Strong Enough," and it just happens to drive this point home:

"As I rest against this cold, hard wall,

will you pass me by?

Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?

I had fought so hard and thought 

that all my battles had been won,

only to find the war had just begun

Is He not strong enough?

Is He not pure enough

to break me, pour me out, and start again?

Is He not brave enough

to take one chance on me?

Please can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weakness for an hour 

make me suffer for a lifetime?

Is there any way to be made whole again?

If I'm healed, renewed, and find forgiveness, 

find the strength I've never had,

will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?

Is He not strong enough?

Is He not pure enough

to break me, pour me out, and start again?

Is He not brave enough

to take one chance on me?

Please can I have one chance to start again?

He took my life into His hands 

and turned it all around.

In my most desperate circumstance,

it's there I've finally found

That You are strong enough.

That You are pure enough

to break me, pour me out, and start again.

That You are brave enough

to take one chance on me

Oh thank You for my chance to start again."

Isn't one of the requirements of the gospel of Jesus Christ to have a broken heart? Is that not the sacrifice we have to be willing to make to be called His disciples? Now, I'm not saying that this broken heart is always the same as the one I'm talking about, but surely they're in the same realm. 

So here's the crux of what I'm trying to get to, here: sometimes we have to be broken in order for the Lord to begin to rebuild us into what He needs us to be. Apparently I have a lot of refining to be done. But something that I experienced quite vividly with my most recent brokenness was just how willing He is to help us rebuild and how efficient He is at doing just that! I loved what Elder Dyches said in this past general conference: "Jesus Christ heals body, mind, and spirit, and His healing begins with faith." He also pointed out the how of accessing this healing power: 

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matt. 11:28-30). 

Simple as that.

Another slight tangent that that song brings up: the brokenness caused by sin--how much of God's plans for our lives does that actually mess up? Despite our sins and mistakes, are we still eligible for the blessings/opportunities/wholeness that we would have had, had we not messed up? I contend that yes, we are. And what's more, I believe that because of the humility that comes with repentance, we are better able to receive those blessings, that wholeness, than before. (though, caveat, you of course can be humble and therefore that kind of receptive without being compelled to be humble. obvs.)

Wow am I grateful for a Savior who came to earth to "[heal] the broken in heart, and [bind] up their wounds" (Psalm 147:3), who came for "they that are sick" (Matt.9:12), who said to so many, "thy faith hath made thee whole" (Matt. 9:22), and whose mere garment "made perfectly whole" those who touched it (Matt. 14:36). He has been my Healer, my Savior, and my support through the most broken of days--the most broken of hearts and bodies. He has been my hope when I didn't have any. He has been my motivation when I couldn't. I just couldn't. 

Here's the thing, though. His healing comes on His terms. He asks, "Wilt thou be made whole?" Basically: if you desire MY healing, are you willing to have it be done MY way? But His way is always the best way, and that's why, when we allow Him to rebuild us, we can be confident that we are 100% whole, and rebuilt in an image that's maybe just a bit closer to His own.