Today's tender mercies

1. I thought that my bus pass was expired (dumb 30-day passes!) today. I wasn't sure though, so I was prepared to try my card and then pay with cash if it didn't work. Wouldn't you know it that the card reader was broken? All you had to do was show your pass to the driver! Woot!

2. The deadline for one of the take-home tests that I should've finished over the weekend got pushed back 6 hours! Hooray for more procrastination time!

3. Another big assignment that was supposed to be due on Wednesday got pushed back to Friday! I can go to sleep early tonight (after I finish that test, that is)!

4. There was a bag of cashews left in my backpack from my trip, so I didn't starve without lunch.

5. I had a little interview with my France internship coordinator (one of the French professors). I was 100% sure he was going to ask to look at the journal that I kept while I was there, which I'm still trying to play catch-up with. There's only a few [cough, cough, maybe a bit more...] weekends missing. He didn't ask. (Oh, and he also asked me if I taught French here (I think I hang out in the SI [student instructor] office enough as it is!). I'll take that as a compliment?)

6. For work, I got to read through a talk by Elder Callister. I love my job :)

Because of the rock

So, I started this post maybe a week ago and for some reason couldn't bring myself to finish or post it. And to be honest, I think there was a reason for it! I needed yet again another reminder of this scripture...

 I've had this on my mind for a while, so I thought I should take a minute to blog about it. Maybe this is just me, but I feel like I go through different phases where one scripture jumps out at me more often than others. Like, for months at a time. So here's my scripture of the moment:

"And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall" (Helaman 5:12).

Lately I've been feeling those mighty winds and shafts in the whirlwind a lot stronger than usual. Can we just say it?: life is freaking hard. Everyone has their own trials and struggles and heartache in life, and it's just hard. I realized this morning that I have this horrible habit of comparing other people's trials to my own and then minimizing what they're going through based on what I am. How awful am I? Yes, I know. But my life is good, it really is. I really need to work on being more grateful for what I have and not ungrateful for what I don't have or what I've lost. The one constant thing in life is change--everyone will change jobs, change houses, change cars, change acquaintances, change plans, change goals, etc, etc, etc. (By the way, I just watched Sirius die while writing this. Case in point.)
And I for one really hate change.
But all this change is exactly the reason why we need to have a sure and solid foundation. And that foundation must be our Redeemer, Jesus Christ. Faith in Jesus Christ yields hope for the future, hope which also helps anchor us amidst the storms of life. I guess what this all means is that if the mighty winds and the shafts in the whirlwind are seeming stronger, then I have some work to do on my foundation. Because there's change a-coming, and there are more trials and challenges ahead, and I need to be ready to have it beat upon me without letting it drag me down to the gulf of misery. Remember, remember! 

This is a great day, conference day.

For those of you who don't know, my church holds a semiannual general conference the first weekend of April and the first weekend in October. Those are basically my most-looked-forward-to weekends of the entire year, so I wanted to share my thoughts about the first day of conference. 

October is the better of the two conferences (haha, not really), if only for the fact that that is when they announce new temples! I think it's very telling of the importance of temples in our church by the way that it's the first thing they talk about at conference. So President Monson (the prophet) gets up and talks about the three new temples that were dedicated this past year (Kansas City, MO; Manaus, Brazil; and Brigham City, UT) and one that was rededicated (Laie, HI), and then he announces two new temples: Tucson, AZ, and Arequipa, Peru (whoever knows where that is...). I thought it was funny because this didn't seem like big news (unlike last year's temple announcements, which were huge!--second temple in Provo and a second in South Africa, one in Kinshasa, in the Democratic Republic of Congo, and, of course, Paris!)... I wondered why. 

Then he launches in to a little speech about how in some countries, they've been allowing boys to start their missions at 18, and I knew what was coming. Boys can now start their missions at 18 instead of 19! Crazy. Not a really big difference there, though. One year is nothing (I think my high-school-senior little brother is still reeling about it, though). 

But the big shock, at least for me, came when they said that they were lowering the minimum age for sister missionaries! Before they could leave at 21, and now they can leave at 19. I just can't get over it!! It's crazy. 

What's funny is that I ran into my friend's mom at the grocery store in between sessions, and she was like, "are you mad that you weren't able to go sooner?" And I just thought to myself, considering the fact that I was engaged when I was 19, I don't think I would have been any more interested in going at that time. I responded to her, though, "No, I'm glad I went when I did." And I truly am. 

Last night we had a mission reunion and I was reminded for the umpteenth time how special my mission was, and is. I gained some of my very very best friends on my mission, which is funny at reunions because we all see each other fairly regularly anyway, so reunions are really just a chance to see our mission president again. There were four of us who left the reunion around 9:30, and then stayed outside talking and laughing for another hour and a half. We seriously just had the best mission ever. I can't say enough about how much I love the missionaries I served with and the people I served in New Caledonia. 

Anyway, back to conference. So, sisters can go at 19. Craziness. I just hope that they're going to focus more on that whole "lock-your-heart" thing now, what with the elders and the sisters being much closer in age now than before. 

So why this change? I thought that Elder Holland said it perfectly (what a surprise there) at the press conference afterward when he said, "God is hastening His work." Plain and simple. This is the last harvest that has been prophesied of. As Jacob tells us in Jacob 6:2-3, "the day that He shall set His hand again the second time to recover His people, is the day, yea, even the last time, that the servants of the Lord shall go forth in His power, to nourish and prune His vineyard; and after that the end soon cometh. And how blessed are they who have labored diligently in His vineyard . . ."

There you go. We are in the last days here. Really, it almost made me want to start on my papers... again. Haha. 

Some of my favorite talks so far:

Elder Russell M. Nelson gave a great talk that he pretty much just stole from the first missionary lesson (that was me being sarcastic. The doctrine is just the doctrine, no matter what). I loved his problem/answer-type talk: "Ask the missionaries!" The best quote, besides that one: "You may have already encountered, or even ignored, our missionaries." Haha. So true.

President Deiter F. Uchtdorf's talk was seriously meant for me. I loved it so much. He talked about devoting ourselves to the pursuit of holiness (becoming the person that God intended us to be) and happiness (not letting external circumstances determine our happiness). Favorite quotes:

"As sons and daughter of our Heavenly Father, we are capable of so much more."

"It's not a race; it's a journey. Enjoy the moment."

"Let us resolve to be happy, regardless of our circumstances." (quoting Psalms 118:24, "This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.")

 I also loved Elder M. Russell Ballard's talk about bees. I never knew so much about bees and how they have to work so hard, each one doing so little and yet together accomplishing so much. Loved that analogy.

Elder Robert C. Gay's talk was powerful. "Is [insert whatever you're doing that's wrong here] worth more than all the Father hath?" (D&C 84:38) You know, it's really not. My favorite person in the Book of Mormon has got to be King Lamoni's father. I LOVED the comparison he made between King Lamoni's father and the young rich ruler who asked the Savior what he should do to inherit eternal life. When he received the Savior's answer: "sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me," the rich young ruler "went away sorrowful; for he had great possessions" (Matt 19:16-24, Mark 10:17-25, Luke 18:18-25).

 King Lamoni's father, on the other hand, also asked the question, "what shall I do that I may have this eternal life?" And his response? "I will give up all that I possess, yea, I will forsake my kingdom, that I may receive this great joy. . . I will give up all my sins to know thee" (Alma 22:15, 18). Which is in essence what we all need to do. 

"Satan would have us sell our lives for the candy bars and championships of this world. The Savior, however, calls us without price to exchange our sins, take upon His countenance . . . for this, we may receive all that God has, which we are told is greater than all the combined treasures of this earth. 

Can you even imagine?"

And then, of course, Elder Neil L. Andersen. Story of my life. Trials of faith. (Yes, I thought, "A crisis of faith can be delivered, but one must believe to be delivered." One of the more blasphemous episodes of Gilmore Girls, unfortunately.)

"The gift of faith is a priceless spiritual endowment" (John 17:3).

"Did we not come to the earth to confront challenges, and to show God our love and respect by keeping His commandments?" (Abraham 3:24-25).
"Trials will be trying."

He quoted Helaman 5:12 and emphasized the fact that if men build upon the rock of our salvation, which is Christ, they cannot fall. 

"With faith come trials of faith, bringing increased faith."

"Hold on . . . fear not . . . for God shall be with you forever and ever" (D&C 122:9).

Wow. I wasn't expecting this post to be the longest one ever. Conference was just SO great, and it was only the first day! What was your favorite part of conference?

Thanks for those excellent genes.

I'll admit, I'm not always the most grateful child, but yesterday I was hit with a load of gratitude to my parents for just simply being my parents. Yesterday was their 33rd anniversary, and I just took a few moments to think about how happy I am for the fact that they got married, for the wonderful way their genes mixed (thanks for not having ugly kids!), for how hard they work for our family, and that they didn't stop with me. 

What would I do without these two?

 One thing's for sure: I would laugh a whole lot less. And I would definitely not be as smart. Gavin is so smart that he's been helping me do my homework all week. 

 They are two of the funniest people on earth, and even though I walked in today to find them SLEEPING at one thirty in the afternoon, 

 I could not love them more. They really are my best friends. 

 huuuugs!

 So, thanks, mom and dad. For everything. 

I've been saving this for a special occasion...

Somehow, it just seems appropriate today.

I'm going to sleep now. We'll see if I decide to wake up in the morning.

You are dead to me.

Have my posts been a lot more depressing since I've returned home from France? Hmm. 

Maybe it's because I've been thrust back into this world we call academia. Along with the world we call  work. Kill me. I realize that there are people who are busier than me. Obviously. But all I can say is that this is the busiest I've been for . . . a really long time. Here's a little list of what's taking up most of my time these days:

1. The commute. A solid 2 hours of my life every day, gone. Wasted. Just like that. Next week, I am getting a bus pass. Seriously. 

2. I would say my classes, but let's be honest, I'm doing the bare minimum of homework here. (WHY am I so busy then?! Maybe it's because I can feel myself slipping farther and farther behind. . . This semester is going to do wonders for my GPA, I can just tell.) Oh yeah, and remember all that schoolwork that I should've done in France? It's due next week. Ask me how much I've done. Go ahead, I dare you.

3. My editing capstone class, AKA Stowaway Magazine. Basically for this class, we publish a travel magazine in one semester. From start to finish. From brainstorming ideas to writing the articles to designing the layout. We do it all. We're currently in the "writing articles" stage. I have three to write. Due on Tuesday. My goal for today: write one of them. Fail.

 

4. Work. Oh, and the other work. It's a dang good thing that the two things that I feel more confident about in my life (in the sense that I know that a certain Someone up above wants me there) are my jobs. And it's also a good thing that there are only two of them.

5. Cooking. Remember when I could just eat fast food? Man, that was so much faster. And foodier. Just kidding. I'm seriously loving this no-sugar, no-dairy thing. I should have done it years ago. In case you're wondering about how that's going, it's going well. I'm super thirsty all the time, but I literally have no cravings for sugar at all (yes, this includes chocolate which totally blows my mind but it's true). I have also lost about ten pounds (if you're counting my morning weight. Bless you, morning weight). 

However, amidst all of this business--sorry--busy-ness, I still find time to procrastinate. It's really a finely honed skill, and I just hate seeing it go to waste. I really have no choice in the matter. 

Oh, so back to the title of my blog post tonight (mostly an inside joke with my sister, as most things on my blog are). 

So I went on a date last week. It was fun. One of my best friends (one of the last few remaining single friends I still have) went on a date the same night. I'm wondering if I'll ever see the boy again; she's deciding on a wedding color palette. 

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit, but not much. I guess that old adage has some truth to it, that "when it's right, it's right," but all it means to me right now is that I need to start making some new friends. Or just stop making friends all together. Yeah. That might be a better bet. 

So here's to my busiest fall semester on record. May it be filled with editing travel magazine articles, drinking green smoothies, staying up way too late, and laughing hysterically at my own stupidity with my little brother. 

What more do I need in life, really?

on love.

Can I just hate on love for a minute? 

To quote a great Adam Sandler movie, 

"Love stinks!"

In fact, why not just put the whole dang song in here?

"Cindy and Scott are newlyweds.

Woopideedoo!

He loves her, but she loves this guy right here.

And he loves somebody else.

You just can't win.

And so it goes until the day you die. 

This thing they call love is gonna make you cry.

(I hate you)

I've had the blues, the reds and the pinks,

One thing's for sure:

love stinks?

LOVE STINKS!

yeah, yeah.

Love stinks!"

etc, etc, etc

I was in love once. 

Or rather, I fell in love once. I make the distinction because that love, even when it's no longer, shall we say, active, lingers on. I don't think it's the kind of thing you can recover from. That kind of love isn't something that can flit in and out of your life as easily as a new hairstyle or a shade of nail polish. No, that love is more like a stray cat that sits by your kitchen window every day, waiting ever so patiently, watching ever so carefully, and hoping ever so sincerely that you'll notice and take pity on it and give it something to eat. That love is like a pair of eyes in a creepy old painting that are always following you, watching your every move, never fully relinquishing you from its all-seeing gaze. You are never free. For some certain, few lucky people, new love comes along and heals their hearts and gives them a way to move on and get over that other love. For others of us, it's still there. Festering. Hurting. Holding on to every last memory and every last aspect of your life that it can get its greedy hands on. It's so smart and sneaky, knowing when to show up at just the right moment to ruin your entire day. It feeds off of your insecurity and self-doubt and hopelessness until you are nothing more than a pile of thrown-aside laundry, lying there so unassumingly and yet so overwhelmingly present.

And it STINKS.

Love does, that is. Not you-as-the-dirty-pile-of-laundry. Just to clarify. 

Is that really love?, I often ask myself. Because if so, it stinks. It really does. (To quote my 4-year-old nephew, "It just sucks!") And it hurts. And sometimes, I'm just tired of hurting. Not trying to get emo here or anything, but it's painful. Life's kinda painful all around, but some moments are just so much more acutely so. Like a vice around your heart, squeezing and squishing until you are left with nothing but a mushy mess of blood and whatever else hearts are made out of.

What are other people's opinions on love? Similar, my friend. Very similar:

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life . . . You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

-Neil Gaiman

I think my soul hurts today. It just hurts.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

-C.S. Lewis

So not even my crazy-cat-lady/bunny-back-up plan is going to work, then? Is that what you're telling me?

{Oh, by the way, right after I wrote this, I read Alma 12 (see especially verse 37!) and just thought. Dangit. That plan is not going to work. Sorry, Mr. Lewis}

-the mom on P.S. I Love You

Except that I never feel like we're all together in that. Isn't that the point?

Anyway. Just thought I'd share. Sometimes I really hate love.